Short Funny Jokes English 2018
Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”?
Then the principal replied
“I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”.
My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the next day.
He just kept whispering “yang qi guan” over and over and then died.
I was very sad and Googled his last message after the burial.
Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube”.
THE BIGGEST LIE
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” Said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
I visited my EX girlfriend and she gave me food.
After a few second their dog came in and started to jump over and I said “this dog loves visitors”
A child replied, “No! No! Uncle, the problem is that you are using its plate”.
Today I saw two blind people fighting,
then I shouted “I’m supporting the one with the knife”,
they both ran away.
I was in 10th; she was in 10th.
I was in 12th; she was in 12th.
I got BSc; she got BSc
I was doing MSc; she got married.
I was preparing for JRF; she’s the mother of 1 child.
I got Ph.D.; she’s the mother of 2 children.
I am doing Ph.D.; her daughter is in 1st standard
I became doctorate; her daughter is in 10th
I have joined job; her daughter has joined college
And the greatest Irony!
Today is my engagement
And her daughter is my fiancée.
Today was my first day entering a court.
The judge shouted “Order, Order!!”
I was so excited,
So I shouted back “fried rice with chicken, five bottles of beer and a chilled glass of special ice mineral water.”
I am now locked up in a dark room.
I am sure they will bring my order soon.
DANGEROUS CONVERSATION
A husband and wife were sitting quietly in the park, when the wife looked over at her husband the following question. …..
What would you do if I died? Would you get remarried again?
“Definitely not!” Says the husband.
Why not? Don’t you like being remarried?
Of course I do
Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
Okay,okay. I’d get remarried again.
“YOU WOULD”! (With a hurt look)
(Husband makes audible groan)
Would you live in our house?
Sure. It’s a great house
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Where else we would sleep?
Would you let her drive my car?
Probably. It’s almost new.
Would you replace my pictures with her?
That would seem like the proper thing I would do
Would give her my jewelry?
No! I’m sure that she‘d want her own
Would you take her golfing with you?
Yes. Those are always good times.
Would she use my clubs?
“NO!”. SAYS THE HUSBAND. SHE’S LEFT-HANDED
LONG SILENCE
“DAMN”
Wife: What? Have you lost your debit card? Why you are not at all worried?
Husband: The thief is spending less than you.
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
A pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.
As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another.
By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's O.K.," she says.
"They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl!"
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